The Never Ending Road

I wonder how many times I have to start over before I get it right? And why do I get so discouraged that I give up so that I have to start over again?

Is it that I want a clean slate or a new beginning rather than continuing with something that is less than perfect? I do think that has a lot to do with it. Nobody likes to admit that they have failed...AGAIN! Do-overs have a negative conotation, and yet a new beginning. Why can't I look at each day as a new beginning and let go of the feelings of failure if I ate more than I should, or ate what I shouldn't or if I glued myself to the couch all day?

Boy we do sabatoge ourselves. We know that we will never be perfect. I know I will never be perfect, but I have a hard time accepting anything less for myself. And believe me, I am far from being there, food wise and activity wise. So I succumb to the feelings of failure and then giving up is just around the corner.

In my mind, I know that it is all a journey. And on journeys, the road goes uphill and downhill and sometimes curves to the left and sometimes to the right. It is not meant to be the same at any given time. Wouldn't we get bored if it were always the same?

So why can't I treat my weightloss journey in the same manner? Why can't I expect to have ups and downs and sideways movements as well? Why do I have to sit down and rest? Why do I sometimes decide on another journey altogether? I get dissapointed with myself and all of a sudden I am on a journey to distruction.

I am a stubborn woman, so why am I not stubborn about sticking with what I need to be healthy? Why can't I love myself enough to take care of myself? I know what I need to do.

I need to do my best to eat healthy. Weight Watcher's is a good program for me. I can balance my blood sugar level with this program and even eat the 5-6 small meals that does better for my metabolism. I can make good choices. And for the times when I am not feeling that strong, I can still stay on program and have a piece of chocolate or an ice cream and not feel like a failure. I just need to count the points. The sky won't fall, I won't be hit by lightening...I do not need to quit because I ate something sweet, or because I had a couple chips. No body can be deprived day after day after day. Deprivation only works for awhile, then I will crash and burn! I can not do this to myself. I need to let myself have something if I really want it, but still stay within the boundaries. The road will curve, and sometimes go uphill! It is ok...I can go where the road will lead, and the key is to enjoy the scenery along the way.

Now there is the "E" word! I never do anything half way. If I can't do it all the way and everyday, then I quit...do you see a pattern here? Ok, duh! So I guess I need to give myself the same grace with this. I have to start slow again! My goal is to start exercising 3 times a week. I have a treadmill and exercise bike. That's where I am going to start. And walk the pups in between, when I can.

Sorry this post is so long! This is more for me than anyone else. There is something about seeing it in black and white that makes it more real than just thinking about it and telling myself the same thing over and over.

I can do it. And I do deserve to be healthy and strong. I do not have to be perfect. I just have to keep going, stay on the journey, set my sites on the next goal, and enjoy the little successes along the way and don't obsess about the things that are not in my control, and keep working on the things that I can do something about!

If you are still reading this...thank you...sometimes it helps just to know someone knows how much of a struggle it is and can celebrate with me when the little successes come, and cry with me when I feel like I can't go on. And sometimes I just need to have somebody kick my butt and make me stay on the path. I appreciate each and every one of you.