Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Ok, I am Me again!

If anyone still reads this...I am sorry I have been gone for so long. I have had an attitude adjustment now so I should be much better.

Actually I started a post last Friday around 10:30 pm. I didn't finish until around 3:30 in the morning. My simple weightloss post ended up encompassing a whole lot more than that. Like things that happened in my childhood, an abusive first marriage and where that all left me emotionally. There were direct correlations between events in my life and my weightgain.

After re-reading this post, All 5 pages of it, I realized this was not a post (and moved it into a document) but an unloading of the stuff that has kept me with this suit of armor (fat). Well, I am done with the past, and finally ready to live. With the Lord's help, I am going to do this. My armor of protection has held me back most of my life. This is going to change.

Is it going to change tomorrow? No! Will I always be up and on program? No! But I don't need the protection anymore, and that was a BIG realization. I have examined my life under a microscope and seen the garbage up close and personal. I have now dealt with it and broke the chains that were holding me.

I started eating for me, to fuel my body, not soothe my emotions and pain, on Monday. My scale already shows a 3 pound loss, but who knows by next week? That's another thing...I think I will just weigh when I feel like it and not worry about a "weigh-in" day!

That is a lot of stress to deal with, especially if your body decides to hang on to some fluid on that particular day. I don't like justifying it, well, it's water retention, maybe I had something with too much salt! Whatever excuse we use, we still feel bad and lose part of our momentum. What really matters? Does it matter if we are up a half of a pound from last week? Or does what we have lost each month matter more? I feel this eliminates alot of the stress and dissapointment.

If I am up a half of a pound one week chances are, if I stay on the program, I will be down three the next week. Even if this was my pattern for the whole month, I will still show a loss for the month of five or six pounds, depending on the month. That is a lot better than my current plan. Weigh in the first week with a loss, then a gain, then I am disappointed and wonder what's the use? I sorta hang on and might lose another pound. Then the next week it is a gain and then I give up! So a month later I am usually up three or four pounds, until I muscle up enough courage to start over again.

I am sick of playing with the same five pounds all the time. I have dumped the garbage from my head and my heart. It's time to work on the outside of me too! The fat has no hold on me now. Go away...I don't need you anymore!

I better quit before this ends up to be five pages again! Glad to be back! Talk to you all soon!

Monday, November 20, 2006


I am in "give up" mode right now, and I don't want to spread that around so I will post again when I can be more positive.

Have a great Thanksgiving!
Hugs, Tari

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Progress Again and PTC

Boy, if you read yesterday's post, you can see right through me now! I was being so transparent. That is a hard thing to do especially when you do not know who will be reading this. I know my fellow weight loss buddies (friends) will understand, but others who know nothing about me will really think I am a big whiner!

I was eating healthy yesterday and recording my points and I had 9 glasses of water. I got all my f&v in and 2 milks. I did not do any exercise tho as my head is still hurting too much. I need to give it a chance to calm down and release all the extra cerebral fluid. I was not totally idle yesterday...I did all the laundry and cooked dinner and did dishes etc. Nothing more strenuous than that tho. You are not inclined to do much when you have a bowling ball sitting on your shoulders. It feels like if you move too far in any direction that it will fall off.

I have a very good friend who will be having brain surgery on Thursday because of her Psuedo Tumor Cerebri and Arnold Chiari. She has had several surgeries up until this point. Some have helped but she is still in extreme pain. Please pray for her! And if you can go give her some love, prayers and good wishes. Kimmy is a wonderful single mom to her 11 year old son Jacob.

My trouble with psuedo tumor cerebri is nothing like what Kimmy suffers from. I would take some of her pain if I could if it would make her life better. She is an amazing person. I hope you go and visit her.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Here I Am Again!

Boy, this is not a post that I want to write! I need to admit it, accept it and move on. Have you noticed my lack of posts? My lack of committment?

It all started with being soooo busy. Too busy all day and then having something to do every evening or just plain being mentally exhausted. So of course, I was too tired to cook. And hubby does not cook. So Subway cooked for us, or Wendy's, and finally I got to where Pizza Hut cooked for me, that won't happen again, but that is another post!

The evil one sure uses our busy life styles to destroy our spirits any way he can. I was doing so well, writing every bite down, exercising 3 times a week, and losing steadily. Then I got too busy, too tired, and two lazy. And now here I am, six pounds heavier, wondering what happened!

Here is a list of what I can see that happened:

Got too busy, too tired, and got overwhelmed;

didn't plan my meals
didn't cook at home
didn't do good food shopping
went out to eat
brought home food to eat
kept track of my points in my head
gave up counting points
ran out of bottled water
tried to keep track of what I drank at home
forgot to drink water at work
gave up drinking water
quit taking my meds
drank diet pop instead of water
built up too much cerebral fluid (not taking PTC meds)
retaining all sorts of fluid
not getting any exercise
my treadmill is collecting dust

This all equates to one miserable woman, who knows she can not drink pop, even diet, but did it anyway, and deliberately did not take pills after forgetting them already for a few days, so that she could have pop. DUMB DUMB DUMB! I started taking my pills again day before yesterday, I got really tired of looking like I went a couple rounds with Muhamed Ali. That's how bad my eyes swell from the pop. I know better. I am a grown woman with a brain, so why can't I seem to use it?

Now I am a month behind on my goals and I am six pounds heavier too, and my headaches are back! The joy of being dumb! I did not have pop yesterday. That is a victory! But I also did not drink all my water either. And I went out to breakfast, had a bread bowl and soup for lunch during a meeting at church, and a pot luck for dinner, with desert! Yikes...I want my good twin back! All I am recognizing right now is my bad twin!

I am writing my food and water intake down today and taking my meds and I AM going to drink my water, all of it! Pray for me you guys, my spirit is broken and it is hard to be determined when you feel broken!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yep, I am officially old today! But don't tell anybody! I deny it all the time! The candles trailing off into the distance of this cake are probably about right though!