Thursday, July 27, 2006

Is it Monday Again?

I need ANOTHER do over! I suck! I admit it! Not even sure I made it two days this time! I would like to give up! I really would, but that would only sink me lower in dispair! Gosh what is wrong with me! I just can not do this!

I really want to get back on program and do it 100%. I thought I could go easy on myself, and just slide into being good a little at a time. But it doesn't seem to be working! I seem to just rebel! I can't even begin to understand why I can't do this in baby steps! You would think it would be easier that way. Maybe I just can't let myself.

Well, for whatever the reason, I am not doing well. Wish I knew if I needed a new program or just motivation. Or something that is easier to stick to right now! Geeeez! Where is my miracle?

I wanna be a loser!

No, not that kind of loser!

Gotta be careful what you ask for around here!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Carrying On!

Just a little update here! I have not decided to give up. I know that I need to continue trying whatever it takes, no matter how many failures I have, until I can get to and stay at a healthy weight for my body. Am I motivated to do this? NO! Do I need help and support from all of you? YES!
The last day of last weeks challenge (Sunday) I went to the lake with my daughter and son in law and my grandkids. It was the day before my son in law's birthday and my daughter and the kids had got him a gift certificate to go parasailing. We went swimming before he was scheduled to go up. I had about 2 hours of aroebic exercise as my grandson always wants to do exercises in the water with me, and the twins want me to bounce them in the "deep" water. So I guess I can say, I got my exercise in for the week, and a sunburn to go with it. My son in law, Mark, had a great time parasailing. I would like to do it someday! i am not into a boat load of people looking up at my fat right now tho. One of those goals for later!
Now the bad thing, I have been sick ever since Sunday so I have not started eating healthy again. I need to go shopping today and I think i will start today. My goals for the week will have to start today also.

Here they are:

drink atleast 60 oz. of water daily...I have not been doing this consistantly
watch my portion size
eat slowly
100 minutes of deliberate exercise. (I was gonna cut this down to 60 minutes, but then realized that if I do go swimming once a week and exercise in the water, that I will get my time in and I need to do this, so it remains.)
no scale this week...we are disfunctional, at best!
no eating out, if I get stuck, cuz of Mom or something, then I will have a salad!

Well, that's it, I need my weight watching sisters this week! I am hoping this will be a new beginning for me. If I can do this, then I will get stronger and have stronger goals each week until I am doing what I need to be! I have tried doing everything on a "restart" and I do fine for about 3 days, and then I suck again. so I am gonna work into it, one goal at a time. I have found, that if I am going through the effort to get my exercise in, then I don't want to blow it with eating too crappy! Anybody else "starting over" this week?
I was doing this challenge with Marci, but I think I have let her down. I can't seem to get serious. I haven't heard from her, but she has a lot on her plate right now. Hope you are doing ok Marci!
See ya all later in the week...if ya drop in, leave me a comment! I need to know someone is watching what I am doing or not doing! Hope you have a good week!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I can't even stay on a diet, how do you expect me to think of a title?

You know I think of myself as a stubborn determined woman when I set my mind on something. I have pulled myself up by the bootstraps several times over the years. I have been deep in a hole and pulled myself out. I raised three wonderful kids, mostly on my own, with no benifit of child support! I have faced lots of adversity in my life.

I have worked in a man's world and succeeded. Now don't get me wrong, I am not a feminist! I do believe that if a woman and a man do the same job, then they should be paid the same, but that is as far as it goes. I like being a woman. I like having doors opened for me, and I love that my husband is a gentleman.

Now how did I get off on this rabbit trail? Oh yeah, I remember! Bear with me, I am over fifty! I thought I could pretty much do whatever I needed to if I really set my mind to it! Well, with one exception, I have never been able to get down to my ideal weight. (Whatever that is!) Now I can't even get down to a somewhat healthy weight. Not even remotely close. I would be thrilled if I got under 200 again!

Why does this one thing escape me? There is a history of heart problems in my family. I have diabetes, and I have had my gallbladder out, and I have sleep apnea and Fibromyalgia, arthritis, and Psuedo Tumor Cerebri, all conditions that are caused by or aggrivated by being overweight. What does it take? Do I have to have a heart attack or stroke before I will finally be able to really get serious and continue to lose weight until I reach a healthy goal weight? Sometimes I just get so disgusted with myself because I cannot seem to make any significant strides in this direction. I have probably been on every diet or program known to man, at one time or another. I am still almost 100 pounds bigger than I want to be.

I am about ready to say forget it and just eat myself into oblivion! It sounds good, but I can't do that either! I will rebel for a few days or a week and then the guilt gets to me again and I am trying to eat better again, just to goof it all up again in another few days. I haven't always been like this. I have been on programs for several months and the longest was a year and a half. The most I lost at that time was about 50 pounds. My body rebels and it won't go any lower.

I am really trying to get more exercise and just plain be more active also but I guess I am just really disgusted with it all right now. I have a challenge going on as you know if you are a regular reader,(Is there such a thing?) to get 100 minutes of exercise each week, arggghhh! I am sitting at 35 minutes with only one day remaining! And I have not had any water today at all, let alone 60 oz. I ate right for 3 days and then crappy for another 3 days. What is wrong with me?

Monday, July 17, 2006

Blogathon 2006

My Daughter is making a difference in young childrens lives by participating in Blogathon 2006! Her charity is "First Books" She will be blogging for 24 hours straight, every half hour! I can't wait to read her blog when she has the "sleepy sillies"! She is a little goofy anyway! Her charity provides free books to low income families with little ones just learning to read, a cause that is near and dear to her heart!

So come on you guys...I am gonna issue a challenge! I am starting to eat healthy again today. The Blogathon is on the 29th of this month! I want to lose 10 pounds before the end of the month so I am going to donate a dollar a pound for my weight goal. That's a little added incentive for me too! I challenge you all to do the same. If you only think you will lose 2 pounds by the end of the month then, sponsor Melanie for $2. Let's make a difference for these kids as well as for ourselves!

Oh and Melanie is offering a free template to the highest $ sponsor too! So if your blog is looking a little dull and boring, get over there and win a new template and do something great for kids too!

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Sponsor Melanie!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


I slept last night...good solid sleep! How very cool is that? Woo hoo!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


I forgot to add that one of my goals also for this week was to make sure I get atleast 8 hours sleep every night. I tend to stay up late as I have a lot of trouble with sleeping and getting recouperative sleep anyway. I have to take tylenol pm to sleep. I have done well at getting some good REM time by doing this. So of course in order to stay healthy, which is part of this whole journey I am on, I need good sleep habits. Sounds good right?
Well, it was good until I added it to my challenge for the week! Haven't slept good since! Gone to bed earlier, and can't go to sleep and stay asleep to save my life! I gave up this morning and got up at 5:30. Because I have been waking up a bazillion times all night the last two nights, I am all shakey and blurry this morning. Don't I just love it? Guess I better be careful what I put on my challenges!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Awareness...week two!

This is the beginning of week two of my healthy weightloss/fitness challenge. I did not lose anything this week and was not really expecting to. I have not really started to eat on program yet and I probably won't until next week. This first week was to really see how much unconsious eating that I really do (no, not when I am asleep) but rather how I eat without even paying attention to the taste or even to the size of the bites I am taking. If we were all being honest, we would realize that most of the food we eat, is eaten so fast and with such big bites that are hardly chewed, that we may not even have realized that we just ate until we are stuffed and miserable and just ate more food than one person should consume at one sitting. My goal is to change this to eating slower, take smaller bites, chew my food better and know every bite that goes into my body. Once I become aware of all this then I can begin to change what I put into my body for fuel. It's all about awareness!

The second phase was to get 100 minutes of exercise which, I didn't get. I did, however, go swimming at the lake yesterday and got about an hour of water aroebics in shoulder deep water, with my daughter and grandson. He was wanting to know all the different exercises, so we had fun doing that. Boy am I sore this morning!

So that was last week...I want to do the same this week, as well as adding atleast 60 oz. of water each day. I am challenging myself to not eat in front of the computer, (Bigee, for me!) like I am right now! And on the exercise, I actually want to try out my exercise bike 3 times this week. I know I will get alot of extra walking in this week as it is Vacation Bible School week at our church and I am in charge of registration and knowing where each child is at all times. So there you are! That's the plan! See ya as soon as I can get away from all the little sticky midgets this week!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

I am a slacker!

Ok, You got me! I am sooo bad! I started a challenge with Marci, and was starting back on program, and I have not done either! I feel like pond scum! I have not been over eating but I have not been on program either. I have been paying close attention to how fast I eat, how big of bites I eat, and how well I chew my food. (usually, I am sad to say, only enough to get it down my throat without choking to death) This has been quite an eye opener for me. I am supposed to be putting in 100 minutes of exercise this week. Ooops! Exercise time as of Saturday noon....a Big Whopping Zero! Ok either I am going to be extremely sore by Monday or I won't be sore at all and my head will be hanging in total shame!

Lazy Daisy, thank you for offering to be my butt kicker! I needed it! I have been so busy this last week I really don't know what I was thinking trying to start a challenge this week (the week before Vacation Bible School starts.) I have been at the church every day since the 4th! I am in charge of registration. It gets pretty hectic. I am exhausted and will have to miss my adult class tomorrow in order to have everything ready for Monday. And tomorrow is the day my Mother-in-law picked for a family picnic. Maybe they will let me sleep through it! Yeah, like that will happen. And I have to teach the 3 & 4 year olds tomorrow. (I am only a helper, one Sunday a month!) The teacher is going to be gone tomorrow so I am teaching. I am soooo not a teacher! Good thing I know these kids!

Marci, I am sorry I have not been pulling my weight in our challenge this week, but I have checked in on you! Looks like you are swamped this week too! I think you are making better chooices than me tho! I will be much better after next week! I am going to watch what I am eating this coming week (during VBS) but still won't be tracking my foods due to being so busy. But I should have time for exercise plus I will get lots of added walking in too! Will email you later!

I am going to try to update this poor neglected blog more too. We have been having a family crisis this week too with my Mom's trailer, my ex step-brother and my poor Sister & Brother-in-law. But that is a whole other post for my other blog!

You guys, please don't give up on me, I will come back to blog land , as soon as my real life calms down a bit! Wish me luck on VBS, and for those of you that pray, please pray for all the workers and the kids who are attending this year. Thanks you guys for being patient with me!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Never Ending Road

I wonder how many times I have to start over before I get it right? And why do I get so discouraged that I give up so that I have to start over again?

Is it that I want a clean slate or a new beginning rather than continuing with something that is less than perfect? I do think that has a lot to do with it. Nobody likes to admit that they have failed...AGAIN! Do-overs have a negative conotation, and yet a new beginning. Why can't I look at each day as a new beginning and let go of the feelings of failure if I ate more than I should, or ate what I shouldn't or if I glued myself to the couch all day?

Boy we do sabatoge ourselves. We know that we will never be perfect. I know I will never be perfect, but I have a hard time accepting anything less for myself. And believe me, I am far from being there, food wise and activity wise. So I succumb to the feelings of failure and then giving up is just around the corner.

In my mind, I know that it is all a journey. And on journeys, the road goes uphill and downhill and sometimes curves to the left and sometimes to the right. It is not meant to be the same at any given time. Wouldn't we get bored if it were always the same?

So why can't I treat my weightloss journey in the same manner? Why can't I expect to have ups and downs and sideways movements as well? Why do I have to sit down and rest? Why do I sometimes decide on another journey altogether? I get dissapointed with myself and all of a sudden I am on a journey to distruction.

I am a stubborn woman, so why am I not stubborn about sticking with what I need to be healthy? Why can't I love myself enough to take care of myself? I know what I need to do.

I need to do my best to eat healthy. Weight Watcher's is a good program for me. I can balance my blood sugar level with this program and even eat the 5-6 small meals that does better for my metabolism. I can make good choices. And for the times when I am not feeling that strong, I can still stay on program and have a piece of chocolate or an ice cream and not feel like a failure. I just need to count the points. The sky won't fall, I won't be hit by lightening...I do not need to quit because I ate something sweet, or because I had a couple chips. No body can be deprived day after day after day. Deprivation only works for awhile, then I will crash and burn! I can not do this to myself. I need to let myself have something if I really want it, but still stay within the boundaries. The road will curve, and sometimes go uphill! It is ok...I can go where the road will lead, and the key is to enjoy the scenery along the way.

Now there is the "E" word! I never do anything half way. If I can't do it all the way and everyday, then I you see a pattern here? Ok, duh! So I guess I need to give myself the same grace with this. I have to start slow again! My goal is to start exercising 3 times a week. I have a treadmill and exercise bike. That's where I am going to start. And walk the pups in between, when I can.

Sorry this post is so long! This is more for me than anyone else. There is something about seeing it in black and white that makes it more real than just thinking about it and telling myself the same thing over and over.

I can do it. And I do deserve to be healthy and strong. I do not have to be perfect. I just have to keep going, stay on the journey, set my sites on the next goal, and enjoy the little successes along the way and don't obsess about the things that are not in my control, and keep working on the things that I can do something about!

If you are still reading this...thank you...sometimes it helps just to know someone knows how much of a struggle it is and can celebrate with me when the little successes come, and cry with me when I feel like I can't go on. And sometimes I just need to have somebody kick my butt and make me stay on the path. I appreciate each and every one of you.