Ok, I am back.
Sometimes something has to happen before you realize that something really has to happen. I have not been following my "new years resolution" to lose weight since about three weeks in. My mom has been moving along and I have been staying back for one reason or another. She is the one who maintains this blog, our blog, while I sit back and munch my cupcakes.
Tonight, I was at the department store. I need a new bra, as mine is gross and old. Bra shopping when you are fat is the worst experience a woman can go through. It's hard enough when you simply have hooters from hell but add the extra liability of the "side boobs" and it is near impossible. I picked out six different bras and was impressed that companies are starting to realize that even though you are a double d, does not mean you need such a hideous looking under garment. They had a wide variety in cute colors. I am excited...hopeful.
Now I am what you call a reverse-anorexic. Anorexic's look in the mirror and think they are fat, I look in the mirror and think I am skinnier than I really am. Until tonight.
I am standing in that dressing room, nekkid, struggling to shove my boobs and extra boobs, into the most uncomfortable pieces of material ever. Now, visualize if you will...225 pounds of raw fat, twisted into positions that honestly should be outlawed by some sort of fat police. Add the frustration (and pain) of not being able to get the bra around said fat, or if you do, having it overflow in the front or sides. It is not a pretty site.
So I pause, take a deep breath, look in the mirror. The tears come down. Even as I write, I can feel them forming. I am fat. I mean much fatter than I thought. I had roll after roll after roll. I started to get deeply depressed. I am embarassed for myself as I look at myself. Next to me is my daughter, blessed with the most beautiful, naturally tan body. We are standing side by side. She knows..can see and feel...that I am about to die. She says you are not fat mom. Yes, I am. And I wonder how my husband manages to find me attractive like this. I throw the bras in the pile and climb back into my fat clothes. I walk out and we go straight to the work out section. I grabbed capri work out pants, matching tank with built in bra and a black sports bra. I then walked over grabbed a pair of cross-trainers and some socks and head to the check out. $70 later and I am ready to go. I come home and put everything on and go to face my husband.
Ladies, he is the most wonderful man in the world. His face lights up when he sees me. Some might think it is his own ego bringing this reaction...oh yeah she is finally going to lose that weight. He smiles real big and says...you got new shoes...oh you needed those so much. Then he notices the work out tank with the built in bra and my hooters all perked up...and gets that horny look. He doesn't even see the fat. He finds me irresistable. He is always been there ready to jump my bones no matter what. He loves me no matter how I look. I kiss him and tell him what happened at the store and see his eyes moisten because he knows I was feeling bad. I just love him.
So thats it. It's done. I have to be able to face myself without embarassment. Funny thing that until tonight, I seldom have been embarassed. But my eyes saw what everyone else was seeing and well...it sucked ass.
I have found a new way to work out. The kids have a game, a new version of twister. I pulled it out yesterday and set it up for them to play. It looked fun so I joined them. It has all these dance steps that you have to follow. You might of seen something similiar on playstation or in the arcade. After two short...and I mean 10 seconds short...I was sweating! I can do a half hour on the bike before I sweat. And it was fun. So my new friend is Twister Moves.
There is my update. I am not going to be a stranger anymore. Thanks for you patience mom.
Tonight, I was at the department store. I need a new bra, as mine is gross and old. Bra shopping when you are fat is the worst experience a woman can go through. It's hard enough when you simply have hooters from hell but add the extra liability of the "side boobs" and it is near impossible. I picked out six different bras and was impressed that companies are starting to realize that even though you are a double d, does not mean you need such a hideous looking under garment. They had a wide variety in cute colors. I am excited...hopeful.
Now I am what you call a reverse-anorexic. Anorexic's look in the mirror and think they are fat, I look in the mirror and think I am skinnier than I really am. Until tonight.
I am standing in that dressing room, nekkid, struggling to shove my boobs and extra boobs, into the most uncomfortable pieces of material ever. Now, visualize if you will...225 pounds of raw fat, twisted into positions that honestly should be outlawed by some sort of fat police. Add the frustration (and pain) of not being able to get the bra around said fat, or if you do, having it overflow in the front or sides. It is not a pretty site.
So I pause, take a deep breath, look in the mirror. The tears come down. Even as I write, I can feel them forming. I am fat. I mean much fatter than I thought. I had roll after roll after roll. I started to get deeply depressed. I am embarassed for myself as I look at myself. Next to me is my daughter, blessed with the most beautiful, naturally tan body. We are standing side by side. She knows..can see and feel...that I am about to die. She says you are not fat mom. Yes, I am. And I wonder how my husband manages to find me attractive like this. I throw the bras in the pile and climb back into my fat clothes. I walk out and we go straight to the work out section. I grabbed capri work out pants, matching tank with built in bra and a black sports bra. I then walked over grabbed a pair of cross-trainers and some socks and head to the check out. $70 later and I am ready to go. I come home and put everything on and go to face my husband.
Ladies, he is the most wonderful man in the world. His face lights up when he sees me. Some might think it is his own ego bringing this reaction...oh yeah she is finally going to lose that weight. He smiles real big and says...you got new shoes...oh you needed those so much. Then he notices the work out tank with the built in bra and my hooters all perked up...and gets that horny look. He doesn't even see the fat. He finds me irresistable. He is always been there ready to jump my bones no matter what. He loves me no matter how I look. I kiss him and tell him what happened at the store and see his eyes moisten because he knows I was feeling bad. I just love him.
So thats it. It's done. I have to be able to face myself without embarassment. Funny thing that until tonight, I seldom have been embarassed. But my eyes saw what everyone else was seeing and well...it sucked ass.
I have found a new way to work out. The kids have a game, a new version of twister. I pulled it out yesterday and set it up for them to play. It looked fun so I joined them. It has all these dance steps that you have to follow. You might of seen something similiar on playstation or in the arcade. After two short...and I mean 10 seconds short...I was sweating! I can do a half hour on the bike before I sweat. And it was fun. So my new friend is Twister Moves.
There is my update. I am not going to be a stranger anymore. Thanks for you patience mom.
posted by ...jus me at 8:36 PM
4 Comments:
This post brought tears to my eyes, because I had the exact same realization when trying on a bra last month.
I've been reduced to wearing the same bra every day for months, because I simply can't find a bra that will fit me. Trying clothes on has become a nono, because I can't bear to see that I can't fit into the clothes that I never thought that I would be big enough to need in the first place.
The difference here is that my boyfriend finds me repulsive, whereas you have a supportive, nurturing man by your side.
Like I said, this brought tears to my eyes.
Glad to have you back Sis! Hey, isn't that the game I got for the kids a couple years back?
I cried when I read this entry because I am there too. I have a man who is like your husband. He loves me no matter what, but I hate me....
When I wrote this post, I did not intend to make anyone cry. I just tend to write raw and say what I mean. At the time, I saw my fat ole gut doing the muffin top. It was gross but never did it make me think I am less of a person. I am learning that that is not always the case with everyone.
Marie~I have many things I wanna say, but for once am struggling with the words. Put simply, its not the bra you should be looking to replace. You do not have to be around people who bring you down. No one deserves that.
Tigger~I wish that you were here so I could hug you. You need to stop and look at what your husband sees in you. You are beautiful because God made you that way.
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